ARCHIVE C: DECEMBER 2002

Sunday, December 22nd, 2002
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill

Well, if that's true, I'm probably a pessimist.
Well, anyway, I put up Hikaru Utada's song "Final Distance" up for download at Spin, so if you're interested in downloading that, it's up.
EDIT: There's also a new layout up there. I had to use Microsoft Paint, so the image quality's kind of bad and it's not super fancy (like any of my layouts are), but I like it.
EDIT #2: While I was uploading the new layout, I accidently uploaded one of the pictures to my blog directory, which overwrote another picture with the same name. And since the original picture is on my computer in Ohio, it's lost until January 6th or so. So if some of the pages coming off the blog have a broken or weird image, just ignore it. Sorry.
EDIT #3: Okay. Last one, sorry. I'm getting rid of the Past Layouts page for a while until I can get up a real portfolio.
&08:38AM EST

Saturday, December 21st, 2002
"A diamond with a flaw is worth more than a pebble without imperfections." - Chinese proverb

The Washington Post declared this The Year of the Blog. It is pretty strange how much this has grown. Just about everybody who has a webpage nowadays has one. For one thing, it's just about the easiest page a person can make. It involves a person talking about themself - which all people are good at - and there are numerous templates out there like Blogger.com that make it accessible for even those who have no html experience.
I don't even consider a blog to be content on a webpage. I think it's more for the benefit of the author or his/her friends than anybody who would just come across the page. I don't find myself very interested in reading a person's weblog whom I don't know unless they're a really interesting person or unless their weblog is on a subject other than themself. Which disqualifies my own weblog, lol. I'll be honest, I doubt my blog is interesting at all.
&09:06AM EST

Friday, December 20th, 2002
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him." - Arthur C. Clarke

I just finished Agatha Christie's Appointment with Death. My mother is a big Agatha Christie fan, and has shelves full of her books. So, to pass time, I read one. I actually couldn't put it down - I'm never good at figuring out mysteries, and this was no different. I loved the Boynton family, and the sadist matriarch Mrs. Boynton was a very memorable character. I also loved the psychology involved in analyzing the family. I was pleased with the book.
There's not much to talk about here. I'm working on two new pages to put up: a portfolio site, combining my artwork, design, and writing; and an Ayumi Hamasaki site, focusing on offering a different MP3 per week. I just have to put everything together and then I'll get it up.
&02:04PM EST

Thursday, December 19th, 2002
"The best for man were not to have been born and not to have seen the light of the sun; but, if once born (the second best for him is) to pass through the gates of death as speedily as may be." - Theognis

I had a huge fight with my mom yesterday morning. She screwed up and I had to live with the consequences of it - and she was threatening to turn me out of the house. I was so angry, I could hardly breathe. And after everyone left, I completely decimated a room. All sorts of things are broken. I'm so angry at everything...college is horrible, the person I love doesn't love me back - I'm at a dead end. I can either be lonely and depressed at college or ruin my future and be despised by my family living at home. No good can come out of this.
I failed my English class but passed with C's in my other classes. Grade-wise, I could easily go back to college. But I don't know what to do. My courses were never hard - but I'm taking a math and a science course next quarter, and those are my weak subjects. I could end up failing them if I'm still depressed and apathetic next quarter. If I'm going to screw up all of my classes I might as well not go back there. I have to really think about what I'm going to do.
In happier news, I went shopping to cheer myself up and I got some nice Christmas presents for people. And for myself, too. I might go back again soon. :D
&12:48PM EST

Monday, December 15th, 2002
"It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time." - Michelle Branch, "Goodbye to You."

I'm a couple of days late on the Saturday 8, but that's alright:
Who in your life, do you think you have given the most to and what are some of the things you have given?
My little 8-year sister Shannon. I got her a shirt from Old Navy when I came down for Thanksgiving, and I made her Avril Lavigne's Let Go CD for her birthday, and for Christmas I bought her some Powerpuff Girl pajamas, but I'll probably buy her more. I know I'm spoiling her, but she's really easy to shop for and she's really sweet about trying to return the favor.
Who in your life, do you think has given the most to you and what are some of these things?
Well, my parents for sure. I think it would be the same for everyone else - since they basically supported them throughout a large part of their lives.
What is the most precious gift you ever remember receiving from anyone and why did this gift mean so much to you?
I got two teddy bears before I went to college - one from my little sister Shannon and the other from my good friend Yumiko. They're a source of comfort to me.
What gift have you given in the past would be the most heart-felt and deeply considered gift you have ever given, to whom did it go, and did the appreciate it as much as you hoped they would?
I made a techno/trance compilation CD for his birthday this past May. We're both fans of electronica, and he had mentioned that he wanted something like that. I don't know how much he liked it, actually...but I spent a lot of time trying to find songs that he might like. I was in love with him at the time, and still am to be honest, so I put my heart into it.
On a complete level, is it truly better to give than to receive? Why or why not?
I get so much more satisfaction out of picking out a gift and giving it to somebody and seeing their reaction than getting presents myself. I like the mutual exchange, though - I don't necessarily want things back, but I love it when people appreciate my gifts, and that's what matters most.
Before I risk forgetting, what is the worst gift you ever received?(One that maybe was inappropriate or one that you probably could not enjoy no matter how hard you tried, etc.)
I've never gotten any horrible gifts, but I would get jewelry and purses back in my tomboy days and never saw them again after Christmas Day.
Right now, you have one gift to give to one person. It would be the single greatest gift that you could ever give to this person and with all your heart, you know they deserve it. Who is this person and what is the gift that you give and why?
I would give Devin a personal studio in an inspiring part of town so that he could escape and do all the art that he wanted.
A reversed question. You are now the receiver. If you could imaging receiving the greatest single gift you could ever receive, what would it be and who is the person that would be giving it to you, and why?
Devin's love.
I was really inspired early Friday morning to begin work on a fanfic, and I've been writing almost non-stop since then. It's about Karin Kanzuki and Ken Masters from Street Fighter. I've never written fanfiction before, and to be honest, I'm kind of embarrassed about it. This is not the coolest thing I've ever done. But anyway, so far, I have a little over 8,500 words and have completed four chapters. I was hoping to put up a portfolio site soon and have the first thing up there be this fanfic. But Photoshop is trapped in my computer at college. So it won't be up until I get back to college, which won't be until about a week into January. But I'll put it up somewhere before then so people can read it.
By the way, Office Space is a really funny movie. I highly recommend it.
&07:35AM EST

Sunday, December 15th, 2002
"A woman's beauty is a treasure beyond price." - Dai Sijie, Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress.

I just finished reading Dai Sijie's Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress. It's a small book - it's less than 200 pages and the pages are small. Anybody who has a love of reading will appreciate the characters' reaction to the stash of books that they found. That and the ending were the most interesting parts of the book for me. It's also being made into a film. The author of the book is also a filmmaker, so it makes me wonder how much of a role he'll take in it. I think his knowledge of film and his understanding of the story that could only come from him writing it could help him to make a really great film.
The MP3 rotation at Spin has been updated, with a short song off of Linkin Park's Reanimation album. It's a really beautiful song, so I really recommend it.
&12:04PM EST

Thursday, December 12th, 2002
"What broke in a man when he could bring himself to kill another?" - Alan Paton

Haha. Well...instead of making a new page, I made a new index layout. I'm kinda liking it...actually, I'm really liking it. I liked the old one, and in fact it sort of gave me faith in my designing ability. Not to say I'm wonderful or anything, but I was happy with it. But I like this new one a whole lot better. So, I'm happy. Maybe I'll be a passable web designer one day. *gets starry-eyed* Haha.
By the way, I came across a good radio website, called Live365.com. Right now I'm listening to Hikaru Utada's "Addicted to You" on Japanpop.com's Jpop station. Hehe, I haven't been able to stop listening to it, so I thought I'd share the site with my numerous visitors. Bahaha, riiiight.
&09:06PM EST

"Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb.

I really want to make a new page. Since I'm dropping out of college and am probably going to be pretty sentient for a while, I'd like something new to work on. I had a brainstorming session, and came up with the following ten ideas:
1. Japanese. Well, I've been taking Japanese for a little over four years now, and it'd do me good to improve, so I might put some basic Japanese lessons along with some kanji lessons online.
2. Magazine. A one-person magazine? It might be a little too adventurous, and it would take a while to prepare, but I could really enjoy doing something like that.
3. Art. It would be a really randomized page, with everything from fanart to photography to designing. This idea needs the most structuring.
4. Quizzes. You know those weird quizzes that are around, like "What Cookie Are You?" or "What Kind of Writer Are You?" or whatever? I could just do a whole page of weird quizzes. I'd have to learn how to do them first, though...
5. Clique. For what, though? There's so many out there, I don't know what I'd bring to the community. Especially since I get so few visitors...
6. Fruits Basket. I have the entire series on my computer, and I absolutely loved it, so I could probably make a pretty good site to the show. I've always had issues with sites to shows and stuff like that, because there always seemed to be a better one out there.
7. Personal Site. I've never made a personal site before, even though it's something I've always had in the back of my mind. I'm just too afraid of putting myself out there like that. It's sort of the same reason why I don't put my writing online.
8. Ayumi Hamasaki. Again, there are some really good ones out there. It might focus on her remixes, since I love them so much, but there's only so much space on the site, so we'll have to see.
9. Kids' series. Sometimes I really dislike kids' shows because they can just be really inane. But I really like The Powerpuff Girls and Dora the Explorer(okay that show is inane too, but at least it's a cute inane). It would just be a cute site to a cute show.
10. Secular Humanism. This is the one that I'm least likely to go through with. First of all, admitting to people that you're an atheist can cause a serious backlash with the people that visit your site. (Oops, too late.) Second of all, there's an shitload of research involved.
Hmm...yeah. I'll probably get working on one or two of those soon. I have another Tripod account that I'm waiting for people to forget. I had a very controversial page on there (it didn't have anything to do with religion). And that has more space on there, so...I'll be able to expand if need be.
&06:58AM EST

Tuesday, December 10th, 2002
"I can't go back, no matter how much I miss it." - Ayumi Hamasaki, "End Roll."

Whoa. I've been reading Gaile's blog for a really long time, since before she started going out with Chris. First of all, I can't stand Chris. He has a big ego and he's a jerk. I made a comment on Gaile's blog one time, and he gave me a really mean response. I was close to tears. And to read that Chris was a "really compassionate" person on their Love*Blog? It just didn't fit. So I ignored him from then on. Second of all, those are some harsh words in that entry. It really surprised me the things she was saying about him. And even though I strongly dislike the guy, sometimes I was just like, 'he doesn't deserve that.' But I really know what it's like when a guy says something that just blows away the whole foundation of your relationship. It may seem insignificant or normal to others, but you realize from that one thing that he never really knew or loved you. And that hurts like hell, and I would never wish that on anyone. And lastly, and this is going to sound really dumb, but it was just so weird to see Gaile having a big problem. I mean, she talked about things like drugs and depression, but to me she always seemed like she had this great life. She's so pretty, and she has a lot of money, and she's so artistically talented. Seriously, sometimes I felt so terrible because I would almost feel like I shouldn't be around because here's someone who is better than me in every way. But now she has this problem with the person she loves, and...I don't know, it's an incredible concept to me. I mean, if they resolve this tomorrow I'll feel really stupid, but right now, I'm just like, whoa.
EDIT: Well, she's fucking going to Aspen with a bunch of her friends. I'm not sure why I bothered caring. It's weird how some people just go through life with a minimal amount of pain.
&10:50AM EST

Sunday, December 8th, 2002
"My great war buddy...lost his faith as a Roman Catholic during World War Two. I didn't like that. I thought that was too much to lose." - Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake.

Chapter 21 in Timequake is where Vonnegut talks about his Humanism, a belief which I share. Secular Humanism, my belief, is not believing in God, being moral with no expectation of divine reward, and learning to appreciate life as all we have. I was able to relate to that quote, because I would never wish believing in Secular Humanism on anyone. If I could, I would believe in something that says we're all going to live forever, that we're all going to be happy in Heaven. But I can't help what I believe. The least I can hope for is that the people I love die believing in God and Heaven and all that.
I have a French final tomorrow and a Japanese final on Tuesday. Even though I'm dropping out, I'm taking them because (a) I want to. I know that sounds weird, but I'd like to see how I would do and it's a nice thing to be able to take a test, especially a final, with such a minimal amount of pressure. And (b) if I actually end up passing the class, I might be able to use those credits later on if I decide to go back. That's still up in the air. If I pass both French and Japanese, I might not even drop out of college. I'm planning on dropping out at the moment, but anything's possible.
Also, I have a Past Layouts page up, so you can go check that out, si vous voulez.
&04:41PM EST

Saturday, December 7th, 2002
"Why can't people stop envying other people? Why can't they see it? Their own beauty." - Tohru Honda, Fruits Basket.

That's a really pretty quote. :) Anyway, Friday Five has been on hiatus for a while, and I missed the whole question thing, so I found another one. :D Okay, here's the Saturday 8:
If you could have named yourself, which name would you have chosen and why?
Actually, I was just thinking today, that I really love my name. It's pretty and it's not overly common.
If you could relive a year in your life, what age would that have been and why?
Definitely my Junior year of high school. It was a really tough year academic-wise, but all my friends were together and we all got along, and I was thinner then, too.
If you could go back and change a point in your life, where would it have been and why?
I would go back to the beginning of Junior year again. It was wonderful, but along with living it over I would have kept myself from gaining weight.
If you could have kissed a crush in your past, who would it have been and why didn't you ever kiss him/her?
Devin! Haha, I never got up the nerve.
If you could say goodbye to a loved one that died before their time, who would it be and what would you have said
I never met my grandfather on my Dad's side, because he died when I was three months old, so I would at least say goodbye, even if I couldn't talk to him.
If you had to pick a place to live, would it be near the sea or near the mountains... why?
Ooh, that's tough. Probably the mountains, because even though I love the sea, it's too crowded for me sometimes.
If you had to lose one sense [smell, taste, sound, feel, and sight], which would you give up or live without and why?
Taste, so I would eat healthier!
If you could wish a wish and it be guaranteed to come true, what would it be and why?
That I would fall in love with someone who would love me back.
I kind of like that. I'll probably do it next week, too. :)
&06:38PM EST

"I shall never believe that God plays dice with the world." - Albert Einstein.

Notice anything different? Hehe, there's a new layout up, named after my absolute favorite Dave Matthews Band song, "#41." It's sort of a weird layout, but I was experimenting, so forgive me. Not much else to talk about, so enjoy the new layout!
&02:36PM EST

Friday, December 6th, 2002
"We never asked to be born in the first place." - Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake.

Well, I just finished Vonnegut's Timequake, so I thought I'd quote from it. :) I've never read any of his stuff before; it was pretty good. There's a quote on the back from Newsweek saying "There are nuggets of Vonnegutian wisdom throughout." That's definitely true. I'll have quote material for a long time. The book has a really interesting concept, which is why I bought it. The "timequake" is a glitch in the time-space continuum that caused everything to go back to the way it was ten years ago. People had to live their lives from ten years ago all over again, doing the same things and making the same mistakes. The way Vonnegut had everyone react after it was all over, I thought, was very well done - it was insightful. :) Apparently, since it was his last book, it wasn't the best to read first, but it's okay, I still liked it. :)
I found a really nice restaurant on campus - it's a noodle place. They have Japanese-style and Western-style food, so it's perfect for me. It's just sad that I found it just as I'm about to leave...anyway, I also bought four CD's. Sarah McLachlan's Solace, Linkin Park's Reanimation, Moby's Songs 1993-1998, and Mugendai's 19. I couldn't read the band's name on the CD, but to find a Japanese CD around here is hard, and it was only $7.99. From what I can find out about them, I'm glad I bought it. We'll see what it's like. :)
&09:09PM EST

Thursday, December 5th, 2002
"My mind is the worst place to be when I don't have any friends around." - my friend Kimani

I know exactly what he means. The past two and a half months have been emotional torture. First of all, I miss everyone and everything back home. My family, my friends, my room, my neighborhood, my hangouts, my car...I don't have anything here.
Second of all, my academic situation is becoming more and more bleak. I have officially given up on my English class. I had not gone for two weeks, and my teacher was really nice and since then had done a lot to help me get on track. He gave me a makeup assignment and gave me more time on my other assignments. I had even already exceeded the maximum number of absences before automatic failure, and he said he would overlook that if I came to the rest of the classes. But I fucked up. He said today was the final day was today to turn in the makeup assignment, and I didn't do it, and I also missed today's class because I didn't want to face him and there was no use in facing him, because he had already gone out on a limb for me too many times for me to just keep slapping him in the face. Enough is enough. I'm through. And for French, I accidently missed the oral part of my final exam on Wednesday. And that day, I didn't want to face my exam partner or my teacher, so I didn't go to that class either. So I screwed myself over in so many ways. I'm seriously considering dropping out. I have been for a long time. But with my grades getting worse and worse, and with there being a possibility that I'll be failing all of my classes, I might not have a choice anymore. And this was supposed to be my easy quarter. I'm really depressed and sad and lonely. I don't even want to try to do well here anymore. I just want to go home, sleep in my bed, go hang out at Coffee Underground, and work my minimum wage job for the rest of my life. I've already wasted my entire life. I might as well waste the rest of it.
&07:06PM EST

Monday, December 2nd, 2002
"It's not enough just to be lonely." - Matchbox Twenty, "Bed of Lies."

Hmm...a week, huh? Well, I've been at home for Thanksgiving Break, which was great, and I was also a little busier than usual. Well, I'm just going to say that there's an update at Spin and mosey on out, 'cause I'm tired.
&12:06AM EST

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