Friday, January 31st, 2003
"There's never a day that I have to remember you because I never for a moment forgot you." - Ayumi Hamasaki, "Hanabi"

I took my sister to soccer practice last night, and we ended up getting there fifteen minutes early. So we just kicked the ball around and danced to Björk and The Clash in the parking lot, and did that for a half hour after we realized that her practice had been cancelled. Then we went to Fazoli's for dinner. It was a good night.
By the way, I have a new webpage up! It's on Ayumi Hamasaki - I was just going to have a weekly Ayumi MP3 download, like the setup I have for Spin, but I decided to put information and pictures up as well as do that. It's called Canary, named after her song "Kanariya". The download is "Kanariya (Power Mix)", in honor of the opening.
&03:34PM EST

Monday, January 27th, 2003
"Regrets are idle; yet history is one long regret. Everything might have turned out so differently." - Charles Dudley Warner

Sorry for not writing in a while, but I've been either busy or offline, because I've been dropping out of college. I have a medical drop for this quarter(for mental, not physical medical problems), and I have eight weeks to try and recover enough to go back for Spring Quarter at the beginning of April. I'm going to relax for this week, but for the rest of the time, I'm going to be working on everything before I go back. It's a big deal to me to give up on this quarter of school, and I don't waste this time. Wish me luck - this is Day One.
&06:45PM EST

Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003
"Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is the most interesting thing I've read on the Internet in a long time. I don't know if you guys know about it - it's about this guy named Patrick Combs who, on a whim, cashed a $95,000 junk mail check into his account and found that it cashed. It's kind of a long story, but it's awesome.
By the way, I'm considering applying to SURVIVORblog 3. But I'm not that sociable, even online, so I don't know how it would work out. But I should listen to Ralph Waldo Emerson and Patrick Combs, and not "be too timid". I should seize the day, and at least try to get on there. It would be a learning experience, and maybe I could win $25! (Ooh.) So yeah, for Ralph and Patrick, I'll give it a shot. :)
&06:02AM EST

Sunday, January 19th, 2003
"Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast, to soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak." - William Congreve

I can't stand the elitist attitude people take with music sometimes. Basically, unless a song isn't from some obscure alternative or rock band, it's not worth listening to. And I'll admit that the large majority of popular music is shlock. I can't stand to hear the same fifteen songs played over and over again on television and radio. But I also can't stand to listen to people talk about how people are idiots if they don't listen to a certain set of bands/singers. I mean, fuck, listen to what you like. If you prefer Yanni and John Tesh to Bad Religion and Good Charlotte, contrary to popular belief, it doesn't make you a bad person. In fact, if you have the courage to openly admit that you like John Tesh, then I have a lot more respect for you than for some random guy saying he likes Bad Religion just because they're considered cool.
I used to be embarrassed because I liked Mandy Moore's first CD, or because I liked Japanese Sailormoon music. But I'm sick of feeling that way because of other people's closemindedness. So, I'm just not going to feel that way anymore. I'm going to be happy listening to whatever I want, be it considered cool, or not. Music is so much more than just obscure alternative rock bands.
&11:42AM EST

Thursday, January 16th, 2003
"Find a job you like and you add five days to every week." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Just an entry saying that the new layout's up, featuring Ayumi Hamasaki wearing John Galliano. I made this with the intention of using it for an actual Ayumi website, but I forgot to put up links and stuff. So, I just decided to use it for a new blog layout. There's not really much interesting going lately - same old not going to class and fucking myself over stuff. Though I read something interesting in February's Glamour - there are fifteen stories about these guys who had sex in different situations, saying what it was like. For example, one was right after a fight, after a dry spell, cheating, etc. My favorite is about Gary Doudan(he's on C.S.I.), and his was "with a woman who's much older":

When I was 21 or so, I worked at a club. My boss was about 37 and striking - 5'10", spicy personality, nice hips. I remember she wore cowboy boots. We flirted, but I didn't know how to take it - she was into girls.
One night, she told me to close up early and meet her at her place for a drink. When I got there, she'd put candles everywhere. We talked for a bit, and then she just seduced me. Clearly, she was experienced. I think she was acting out a domination fantasy. Usually I'm in charge in bed. But with her, I knew I didn't stand a chance.
First, she rubbed me down with oils. Then she had this series of acts: She'd go down on me, get on top and ride me, then go down again. She
knew how to keep me involved. The next day, she acted as if nothing had happened. It was like we'd just needed to get it out of our systems. We have little jaunts around work, in a corner here or there, but never had sex again.
Nowadays, I'll hear guys talk about women. They'll say, "I'll never date a woman like that type or of this nationality," and you can tell how inexperienced they are. I say, "Man, you need to see how many beautiful women there are in the world." It's not about age or the country they come from. it's about how confident they are. That's all.

That story is just really sexy.
&07:12AM EST

Sunday, January 12th, 2003
"Every passing minute is a chance to turn everything around." - Sophia, Vanilla Sky.

My best friend just told me he was in love with me. I had suspected it, but I wasn't prepared for some of the things he wrote. "You shine light into me, and chase away shadows I didn't even know I had...If I were alone in the vastness of space, in the cold vacuum of nothingness, I would be okay but with a simple echo of your voice...I'm just so totally, truly, deeply, karmicly, cosmically in love with you." I cried so hard when I read his confession. Not only because it was so beautifully written, but because after all I've been through with Devin, I wouldn't wish love on anybody. And to think that I could be inflicting that pain on my best friend...I feel like I've done him an incredible injustice.
&11:54PM EST

Saturday, January 11th, 2003
"I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles...It would just never occur to such a person for a second that the world isn't about something." - Woody Allen.

After I woke up, I went through my music collection to find the twelve songs that remind me of Devin the most. It's been months since we ended our friendship, but I'm still in love with him, and probably will be for a long time. When I was looking over the lyrics to Savage Garden's "Lover After Me," I just burst into tears. That song is so perfect for everything I'm going through. The songs are split up into Before(when Devin and I were still friends), End(when we said goodbye), and After(after the end, me picking up the pieces). Here's the track listing:

01. Sarah McLachlan's "Ice"
02. Mariah Carey's "Alone in Love"
03. Ricky Martin's "I Count the Minutes"
04. Jewel's "Foolish Games"
05. U2's "With or Without You"
06. Michelle Branch's "Goodbye to You"
07. Etta James' "Fool That I Am"
08. The Cardigans' "Erase and Rewind"
09. Savage Garden's "Lover After Me"
10. Ayumi Hamasaki's "Still Alone"
11. Ayumi Hamasaki's "Hanabi"
12. Mariah Carey's "Just to Hold You Once Again"

I sort of need this compilation. So that I don't forget what I went through, and also to recover.
&05:27PM EST

Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
"There is more to life than increasing its speed." - Mohandas K. Gandhi.

I'm aiming for my portfolio/works site to be up February 1st. I'm in the process of designing the layout, plus some of the art projects that I want up there won't be done until then. I've been really inspired lately, so I've got a lot of ideas going through my head and a lot of follow-through to do. Hopefully the result will be worth it.
A couple of plugs: I came across Patrick Kalayanapu's a few days ago, after admiring what he wrote in a column, and I love it. There's a ton of flash movies on the site detailing the life of the webmaster. A really awesome concept. Also, is a site that offers CD-R's with really sweet designs. They have a couple of cool deals going on right now, too.
&01:32AM EST

Monday, January 6th, 2003
"You have to learn how to die if you wanna be alive." - Wilco, "War on War."

I missed my very first Astronomy class this morning. Some things never change.

"My Lines" by Yvette Thomas
What is poetry but a hand clamped
tight on my most insistent thoughts
the first and last of my gifts

what is my poetry but hand-drawn lines
between aspiration and desperation

tightrope, the razor's edge
they aren't always steady enough for me to
step out on but when [they] are

what a thrill.
&02:52PM EST

Sunday, January 5th, 2003
"A man's dreams are an index to his greatness." - Zadok Rabinwitz

In a mistake that my father will no doubt regret for the rest of his life, he got the date school started up again wrong and so was forced to buy me a $400 first class ticket. Basically the only difference was that my cup was glass instead of plastic and the snack was different. I was expecting to be asked every ten seconds if I wanted anything and offered all sorts of wonderful things. Well, that might have happened if I hadn't slept so much. In the first flight I just put the tray down and slept on it ā la high school Chemistry, but during the second flight I conked out and woke up almost hanging out of the aisle. Embarrassing, especially considering the marks my jacket had made on my face. Oh well, won't be seeing those people again.
&10:28PM EST

Saturday, January 4th, 2003
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." - Albert Einstein

Today is my last day before I have to go back to Ohio. All this time off and the New Year have replenished me, and I'm looking forward to next quarter a lot more than I was a month ago. I'm taking Astronomy 161, Japanese 205, and Math 148. I've always been interested in Astronomy, but science and math are still my weak points. Nonetheless, this year is shaping up to be better than the last.
And hell yeah, Ohio State beat Miami in the National Championship.
EDIT: Got the number of the math course wrong.
&05:09AM EST

Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
"I know I would die if I could come back new." - Wilco, "Ashes of American Flags."

I spent the New Year with my friend Elizabeth, her family, and her boyfriend. As the ball dropped, all I could think about was how the year was ending, my actions for that year were set in stone, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Granted, last year was a bad year for me. There was a lot of pain, tears, and even blood shed over the shit I'd been through. I had a bad quarter at school. I lost some of my best friends because they couldn't handle my problems. And I lost the person I loved to the person I hate. And I regret a lot.
My resolution: to not regret the past year when I see the ball drop for 2004. I want to be happy with the person I've been, with the way I've lived my life.
&11:10PM EST

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